ARIES: This year may be a good time to start thinking more of others and not so much about what it would be like if your car had an even louder one of those really annoying mufflers.

TAURUS: Take some time and ponder your mistakes of last year and make a note of it and put somewhere important. Not under your tall boy while you watch FOX News like you did last year.

GEMINI: You are in for a big surprise this year. It turns out that your real father lives in Guam under the alias "Bronco Charlie" and he runs a prosperous chicken farm which will turn out to be really good for you.

CANCER: As we move in the house of 2008, you will find yourself trapped in the downstairs bathroom for like an hour. When you finally get to your room, you'll be disappointed to find the paint is peeling and the cat peed on your goosedown pillow.

LEO: Try not to be so abrasive this year and you will find it will most probably open new doors for your future. Try the door that says "Future" on it.

VIRGO: Things will seen in a whole new light when you look through the eyes of homeless man named Hank.

LIBRA: Good luck with your love life this year. You know it's bad when an astrological physician such as myself says "Good luck."

SCORPIO: Take good care of yourself this year and will notice an instant attraction from the opposite sex. Take too good of care of yourself and you will notice an instant attraction from the same sex. Know what I mean?

SAGITTARIUS: This year is no good. Sorry, but thats the way it goes. It's not my fault, I just don't see any good coming out of anything you do this year. I recommend cryogenically freezing yourself until 2009. That's when things really start looking up.

CAPRICORN: This year will be somewhat of a rollercoaster. At first there will be excitement, then suspense followed by a quick thrill and then a sudden stop. Then a little dizziness when you realize all your money came out of your pocket and your hat flew off. You will leave the year with empty pockets and the feeling you've been taken for a ride.

AQUARIUS: Before you jump right into this new year, don't be afraid to kick some tires. Take a spin and see how she feels. Don't take the salesman's word for it. He just wants to screw you anyways. You know what? Screw kicking the tires. Kick that dirty son-of-a-you-know-what right in you-know-where and have a great year!

PISCES: Things will seem to get pretty out of control after you lose your leg on that mechanical bullriding accident. But things soon start to turn around once you realize you didn't need that stupid leg or that dumb girl who said she would marry you but then screamed in horror your first night in bed when she felt that gruesome stump where your leg used to be. Welcome to the exciting world of X Box!