NEWS OF THE WEIRD

Local Weirdness A neighborhood yard sale in Cocoa, FL, in December offering children's furniture and toys took place at a home at which two registered sex offenders reside with their mother (though it was unclear where the items came from). A probation officer checked periodically to see that the men did not venture outside, where some unsuspecting adults, and their children, browsed the inventory.
Humbuggery John Hayes, 46, a Marietta, GA, middle school coach, was arrested in December and charged as the person who drove a group of his students around at night so they could vandalize various Christmas yard decorations (in one case, leaving reindeer entangled in "sexual positions"). A neighbor whose display was wrecked pursued Hayes' truck, caught up to him, and asked, "Are you crazy?" Hayes responded, allegedly, "It's just a bit of fun."

The District of Calamity Washington, D.C., firefighter Gerald Burton faced suspension in December for disobeying a direct order by fighting a blaze he had come across while driving his fire truck to a training class. A supervisor had ordered him on to the class, but Burton and his partner put out the fire (limiting damage to $150,000), along with the dispatched crew, which arrived shortly after Burton. In December, as the director of the District of Columbia's Youth Rehabilitation Services spoke before the City Council on the successes of his special unit tracking down escapees, one on-the-run youth watched from the audience a few feet away, unknown to the director, according to a Washington Post report. (Another 19-year-old ran away in September and was unaccounted for because a female YRS officer, unknown to her superiors, had subsequently married him and was keeping him at their home, according to the Post.)
Cheeky Behavior Authorities in Valentine, NE, have been on the lookout since November for the vandal who has approached several storefronts at night and, apparently with Vaseline smeared over his nude body, pressed himself against windows and doors. A radio station called the person "the buttcheek bandit" (although some speculate there may also be a copycat). Asked Valentine police chief Ben McBride, "Who in their right mind would do something like that?"

Witchy Woman Among the accusations that emerged from an FBI investigation of the U.S. government's beleaguered Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction (according to a December Washington Post report) is that the deputy director of that office, Ginger Cruz, a self-described Wiccan, had been threatening to place hexes on employees if they co-operated with outsiders' evaluations of the agency. (She was cleared of those charges by the internal SIGIR staff.)

Then What the Hell Is a Hot Pocket? A commercial, pre-packaged ham-and-cheese sandwich using one slice of bread is regulated by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which conducts daily inspections under its jurisdiction, but a ham-and-cheese sandwich on two slices of bread falls to the Food and Drug Administration, which inspects plants about once every five years. That anomaly surfaced in the current presidential campaign and was verified by a Congressional Quarterly-St. Petersburg Times "Politifact" researcher in December. A USDA official admitted to the Times that there "is no rationale or logic" behind the distinction: "(I)t's an issue that makes it look like we don't know what we're doing."

The Nose Knows Lee Myung-bak was elected president of South Korea in December, perhaps attributable in part to his organization's spraying a sharp fragrance they call "Great Korea" in the air at campaign events and then on election day at polling places, hoping for an olfactory influence on undecided voters.

Copping Attitude Georgia Ann Newman, 36, was arrested and charged with battery on a police officer after she not only spit on a Charleston, W.Va., officer but, as he was leading her away, wiped her nose on his uniform shirt. Teresa Walker, 44, was arrested in Cincinnati in October in the course of a minor traffic stop because, while the ticket was being written, she allegedly called the police department on her cell phone to complain that the officer was writing too slowly. She later denied the officer's charge that she had threatened to "shoot" him if he didn't speed it up, but only to "sue" him.

Perversity, Stat! In October, Syracuse, NY, dentist George Trusty was sued in federal court after a drill bit snapped off and lodged near a patient's eye, allegedly because Trusty was dancing to the song "Car Wash" on the radio while tending to the patient. In January, former Skokie, IL, eye doctor's assistant Joseph Vernell Jr. was sued after a patient complained that, in a dark room "exam," Vernell was detected licking her toes (but then explaining that he was actually "checking (her) sugar level").

We're Still Screwing Them! News of the Weird has mentioned several times (last in 2001) the federal court order requiring the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs to rectify decades' worth of negligence in administering the Indian Trust Fund, which might involve as much as $2.5 billion. Included in a 2001 court order was a prohibition against BIA's maintaining a department Web site until it proves that it can secure all the records necessary for the court-ordered accounting, and according to a Boston Magazine story in January (reporting on the bureau's handling of a Massachusetts casino), the agency still lacks department-wide Internet access. However, there is one room on the fourth floor of the bureau's Washington, D.C., office that is connected to the Web, but e-mailers and Googlers have to leave their desks and go to that office.
Jesus! Recent sightings of the Messiah: Marion County, FL, January (image of Jesus on a slice of raw potato); Tampa, FL, January (image of Jesus on a slab of granite); Houston, TX, January (image of Jesus on another slice of raw potato); Meadow Lake, NM, December (image of Jesus on a sprayed-on wall covering); Homestead, FL, December (image of Jesus on a chest X-ray); Port St. Lucie, FL, November (image of Jesus on a pancake); Houston, October (image of Jesus on a bathroom towel); Forest, VA, August (image of Jesus on a smudge of driveway sealant); Manchester, CT, August (image of Jesus on a kitchen cabinet door); Lodi, CA, August (image of Jesus on a backyard fence).

Courting Shame Scott Anthony Gomez Jr. filed a lawsuit in January against jail officials in Pueblo County, CO, alleging among other things that they failed to take security precautions to prevent him from escaping. He seriously injured himself last year when he fell 40 feet while scaling a wall in his second escape attempt. He said that, after his first escape, he had told then-sheriff Dan Corsentino how lax security was, but that no "improvements" had been made. In August 2004, business executive Tomas Delgado, driving 100 mph in a 55 mph zone, fatally smashed into a 17-year-old bicyclist near Haro, Spain. In 2006, Delgado sued the boy's family for the equivalent of about $29,000 for damage to his car, and the lawsuit languished until January 2008, when, perhaps embarrassed by worldwide publicity, Delgado dropped it. In December, the New Jersey Turnpike Authority filed a lawsuit demanding payment from the families of four people killed by an out-of-control tractor-trailer in 2006 (presumably to recoup clean-up costs and damage to the roadway). However, after the New York Post asked NJTA lawyer William Ziff for a comment, he rushed to the Union County courthouse and withdrew the lawsuit.

The Forest for the Trees California's Solar Shade Control Act protects solar panels from obstructions from sunlight, and in January, Santa Clara County officials sought to enforce the law against homeowners who themselves are staunch environmentalists. Since the back yard of Prius-owners Richard Treanor and Carolynn Bissett contains lush redwood trees that block their neighbor's panels, the county ordered that the trees be cut down.

Intolerable In November, 70 petitioning neighbors said they were fed up with the Museum of Tolerance in West Hollywood, CA. The final straw was the museum's application to expand its building, extend hours of operation until midnight, and reduce the buffer zone between it and nearby homes. Also, officials of Hyde Park Baptist Church in Austin, TX, initially agreed to host the annual multi-denominational Austin Area Interreligious Ministries Thanksgiving celebration last year, but abruptly canceled when they came to realize that Muslims might actually pray there. Under criticism, the church said that it "hopes" the religious community "will ... be tolerant of our church's beliefs" that necessitated the decision.

Only in Japan... Kazuo Oshitani, 48, was arrested in Osaka, Japan, in December as the one who draped perhaps more than 170 items of women's underwear over objects in his neighborhood (and who possessed at least 200 more such items in his home). He was charged with littering.


Copyright Chuck Shepard 2008