Inquire of Romeo

Love Advice from Romeo Pomodoro


Dear Romeo,

My husband and I are both very busy people, so the few moments we share together are very important to us. The problem is that every time we light the candles and sit down to an intimate dinner an intense hammering starts up in the house next door and won't stop until the romantic mood's been completely destroyed. We've talked to our neighbor, a retired handyman, but he just won't let up with the constant banging in his garage. Do you think there's a way we can re-establish our love life without having to move?

Rebecca S.

Indian Harbour Beach

Rebecca, all I can say is that you should be thankful that you don't live next to Romeo Pomodoro's home where there is always hammering and banging going on!

O Wise One,

The other night I met two hot young exchange students from Sweden in a bar and we were getting along just fine until I made a terrible faux pas when they toasted me. Apparently, you're supposed to say "Skål" (pronounced "skol"), raise your glass to chin level, look into each person's eyes, take a swig of your drink, and resume eye contact. If I had known this, I wouldn't have tossed my shot back so quickly and would be telling you a sexier story. Needless to say, they lost interest in me, and I went home alone ashamed at myself for being so culturally illiterate. I was hoping that since you've traveled so extensively you might be able to tell readers how to toast a variety of foreigners properly to ensure success in love.
"Walter"
Cocoa Beach

I don't know many toasts, Water, but I have had my fair share of muffins! But honestly, though, it would be my pleasure to inform readers of toasts around the world. When in Warsaw, say "Na Zdrowie," and when in Tel Aviv or at a bar mitzvah in Boca Raton, say "L'chaim!" If you are fortunate enough to share an evening with a Madrileña, say "Salud," but you must say "Salute" when in Pisa. In Marseille say "Tchin tchin," but in Bremen you would say "Prost!" If you're lucky enough to meet an Irish girl, toast her with "Sláinte" and you'll feel a tingle in your Dingle, while a "Geiá mas" to a Greek girl will have your Dardanelles glowing in the Aegean sunlight! But my favorite toast I use for all occasions is "Bottoms down! Tops off!"

Romeo,
Where is the strangest place you've made love?
Cynthia L.
Cocoa Beach

This is an excellent question because I have made love in many strange places, including Arkansas! But this can be a tossing-up between the time in a buggy in "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" which stopped due to a malfunction which I can't mention, and the time I tried to join the "Mile High Club," but was only 15 feet up in the air on a ladder with a house painter named Cinnamon and landed in a bush I wasn't aiming for. Whoops!

Dear Romeo,
As NASCAR season is in full swing I was wondering if you thought attending a race with a girl would be an appropriate date idea.
"Clyde"
Melbourne

Clyde, each year around this time someone always writes me with this question. How many times must I tell you that NASCAR is a very unsexy event and never appropriate for making love connections? Don't do this! Not only is Nascar unsexy, but the racers themselves do not inspire any amorous feelings. Can names like these inspire romance? Travis Kvapil, Bobby Labonte, J.J. Yeley, Joe Nemechek, Greg Biffle, Clint Bowyer, Kyle Busch, and Jimmie Johnson. No, these are not sexy names. Take however any of the European racers, whose names alone warm the cockles of every woman: Carlo Felice Trossi, Alberto Ascari, Giuseppe Farina, Ludovico Scarfiotti, and Tazio Nuvolari! These are sexy names! And also these are all men who have won prizes for Grand Prix! Americans have much smaller ones.


Dear Romeo Pomodoro,

My 8th wedding anniversary is coming up and I'd like to get my wife some sexy yet tasteful lingerie. The problem is that I get really nervous and jittery every time I walk into one of those shops and for the life of me I can't remember my wife's bra size. Do you have any tips for me?

"Roger"

Satellite Beach

Of course I have a tip! Come to my home where I have a special lounge area created where you can peruse all of the discarded lingeries that I have collected over my years as a happy lover. I have bustieres, corsets, thongs, girdles, stockings, garters, négligées, panties and bras that you can examine and that I can sell to you. Plus, I have many varieties and styles and sizes to fit every taste. And I have all colors! In whites, I have White, Off-White, Bone, Polar Snowflake, Chantilly Cream, Wallboard Joint Compound, and Cottage Cheese. But you seem that you may be looking for black, yes? I have Ebony, Starless Night, Café Cubano, Liquorice Truffle, Tarmac, and McCarthy's List. You can also enjoy complimentary tap water served by my hostess model, Jazzmin. I can also sell you high fashion accessories from Ralph St. Laurent, Dolce and Garbanzo and Fruit of the Loom. Choose from Persian rugs and cell phones, too! Make an appointment now! And for the record, Roger, Simone wears a 36B.

Romeo,
My best friend, Cindy, is getting married soon and me and the girls are thinking of hiring a male stripper for her bachelorette party. Are you available?
Anastasia D.
Cocoa Beach

I'm always available! You will see that stripping is just one of my many talents. I can strip like methyl ethyl ketone and dance like Justine Timbaland! My fee is large, but I am confident that you can handle it! But be gentle!

Dear Romeo,
Of all the places you've travelled, which country in your opinion produces the best women?
Jeff S.
Eau Gallie

This is an interesting question, Steve, and a very complicated one. There are so many women of all varieties that are so wonderful that I find that I am hard in trying to give the best one. But I can say that the women of France are wonderful because they are what is called in their language very coquettish, which means that they are like croquettes. Of course, I love Italian women, but sometimes they can be very difficult and violent. I have some scars to show this. Brazilian women are very wonderful too, but Spanish women are to me the finest lovers and my favorites because they are beautiful, intelligent, humorous, and refined lovers. I have some scars to prove this. Although I have a preference for women of Latin blood, I can tell you that the women of Japan are worth enjoying, and though expensive because of current exchange rates, the women of Scandinavia have given me some memorable nights, mornings and afternoons, usually around the time of 2:30 p.m. If you meet a Danish one, by all means pursue her, but only after you have enjoyed a Nowegian, Swede, or a nice one from Helsinki, who knows the delicate art of the Finnish. Tiny unvisited Iceland also has some extraordinary specimens of womanhood. If you simply ask one for directions, you will awaken in her home the next morning engaged and very sore with the ability to decipherize ancient Viking runic inscriptions. I have some scars I can show to prove this. If you need detailed information, buy my book which is called "Romeo Pomodoro's International Love Guide For Less Than $10 A Day," which retails for $49.95. There are pictures! Bon voyage!

Dear Romeo,

I really want to take my girlfriend somewhere special this Valentine's Day. Do you have any good recommendations?

Steve H.
Canova Beach

This is funny that you should ask this question, Steve. I know the perfect place to take her and not very many people know about it, so you will have no problems to secure a reservation. This is a rustic trattoria that serves all manner of aphrodisiacal delicacies from the sea and the land and the road. It is dimly lit, romantically decorated, and reasonably-priced with luxurious and very clean toilet seats. This place is called Cucina di Gennaro! Unfortunately, it is in Rimini which is very far away in Italy and it is closed for the month of February while Gennaro comes here to visit me, his favorite nephew. If you really want to take your girlfriend someplace special, I recommend you drop her off at my place in the afternoon with a packed lunch. I will take her to kingdoms of ecstasy. You can pick her up in the next morning. Honk three times and we'll know it's you. Thanks!

Mr. Romeo,

As love is your business, I'm sure you must be very busy with Valentine's Day coming up. And I'm sure you know better than anyone about the beginnings of this celebration of romance. How did it all begin? What are the origins of St. Valentine's Day?

Olga J.
Eau Gallie

Ah-ha! I am filled with gladness that you ask this most appropriate question. St. Valentine was born Casimiro Emilio Valentino in the dusty little hilltop village of Rome very far back in the days before Christmas was discovered. Signore Valentino was widely known in his village as a wonderful lover with a tremendous gift. This gift he shared among the many women of the village until the men of the village noticed that their women were walking very strangely and grew very jealous of Valentino which forced him to correspond with his lovers through wonderfully decorated cards. Unfortunately, the mayor of this village intercepted one of these cards which was meant for his own wife, who had been enjoying Valentino's tremendous gift for many months. When the mayor discovered this transgression and deceitful deception, he and some of the angry men of the village captured our poor Valentino and covered him in fine chocolate and threw rose petals at him in an attempt to do him a serious injurious harm! Poor Valentino! But this did not kill lucky Valentino, but only made he and his tremendous gift more desirable to the women of the village! Later, after Christmas was discovered, a Pope made him a saint because of the way he gave his tremendous gift so freely and willingly. Each St. Valentine's Day, it is said that St. Valentino comes in the night and puts his tremendous chocolate-covered gift up the chimneys of the women of every village of the world. And that is the story of St. Valentino's Day! I'm truthful!

Romeo,

Valentine's Day always gives me the blues -- probably because I always seem to be single. I've met a lot of guys, but can't manage to keep one for very long. What do you think I should do? Please offer me some consolation!

K.F.
Melbourne

Love is like a box of chocolates: You must take a bite of each one before you find a cherry! But once you bite into the cherry, don't finish it! That would be a silly behavior! Take little squirrel-like nibbling bites from it each day to savor the flavor and make it last as long as you can. When the last bite is gone, you must sadly say good-bye, because you cannot make it last forever, sadly. Then you must go out and buy twenty-three boxes of cherry chocolates and eat them all the time! Do not share them! Keep them scattered all over your house and in your car and give wonderful names to each and every one of them. Today, I had five before I even drank my morning espresso with the manatees! Thank you Melinda, Susan, Theresa, Imelda, and Anna! You were delicious and sweet! Can you please pass the napkins?


Romeo,

At my office Christmas party I drunkenly hooked up with a not-so-hot co-corker. Since we've gone back to work I can't look her in the eye any more. And neither can she. Things have gotten really uncomfortable and I don't know what I should do.

Tyler H.

Melbourne Beach

Hook up again, Tyler. Only this time, wear masks! That way you won't feel uncomfortable any more. You can wear a mask of my comely visage and she can wear a mask of Beyouncé or Sandra Bollocks, or whoever you happen to fancy. This doesn't need to be an uncomfortable activity! Wear light fabrics and knee pads! Clock in!

Dear Romeo,
I'm very much in love with my current boyfriend, but I can't stand his insistence on talking dirty to me when we're engaged in lovemaking. I feel like washing his mouth out with soap! It makes me feel awful and it's such a cheesy turn off! Do you have any ideas on how to make him stop?
"Beverly"
Cocoa Beach

Tell him to speak only gentle and loving things taken from Petrarch's ancient sonnets during dinner. When it is time to play the foreplay, ask him to recite passages from Pablo Neruda's moving poetical poems. As things begin to get fleshy, tell him to sing a song from Sade's impressive and loving catalog. During the initial moments of lovemaking, ask him to qoute anything by George Michael Bolton and while the tension builds he can switch to Tom Joneses "What's New Pussycat?" As you draw closer to reaching the main climax, allow him to sing: "Let me put my log in your fireplace," one of the best and most moving lyrics from "Animalize" by Kiss which is a very underrated album. Let him finish with something soft and traditional like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" or "She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountain." He's earned it. As you lay side by side on your dishevelled and rose scented sheets smoking cigarettes lazily, allow him to croon the theme from "Welcome Back Kotter." You're a Sweathog!

Dear Romeo,
I can't stand it when men think they are God's gift to women. I'm a pretty young girl and I'm constantly being approached by guys who seem convinced that my sole purpose in life is to to sleep. And when they do even bother to ask me my name, they can't even remember it! What's up with this?
Katie T.
Floridana Beach

I can't stand them either, Melinda! They are not God's gift to women. They are merely tattered and stained hand-me-downs. They are factory rejects with the cheap price tag left on. They are gifts you get from the Armies of Salvation. They are movies that have been watched already and bags of pretzels that have been opened already and eaten and then closed carefully with some scotch tape to make it look like they were never opened at all! Don't eat them, Jill! I can tell that you are a well-travelled women and have been all around the world many times! You are smart and intelligent and happy when you are pleased by gifts! Don't take the garage sale items of these grubby, silly men. You are worth more than this, Christy! I am God's true and only gift to women! You can find me on QVC and satisfaction is guaranteed. Plus, I have a hot grill attachment and I have a shiny juicer too! Buy now!

Romeo,
I'm madly in love with this guy I'll call Ray. Ray is everything I ever wanted in a man: he's honest, good-looking, smart, funny, and devoted. The only problem is that he's not even the slightest bit handy. He can't fix even the smallest thing without messing it up even more. He tries to make repairs around my apartment in hopes of seeming more manly, but I'm starting to lose respect for him. What should I do?
Kim H.
Satellite Beach

Kim, I have the tool you need. And I have the hands to use with the tool. I can do it for you because I am very skilled with many handy skills. I can drill, screw, twist, tighten, loosen, re-wire, clean pipes, hose down, vacuum, erect things, stucco, turn knobs, change fluids, buff, clean your carpet, and do your both your windows. Do you need to borrow this tool? You can use it! But please don't let Ray use this tool. He might break it.


Dear Romeo,

I’ve been dating this guy for about four years and I’m trying to get to get him to commit, but it’s like pulling teeth. We’re close with each other’s families, we both want children, we share bills and expenses, and most recently even bought a house together. But has he proposed yet? No. I’m getting tired of this dead-end situation. When I press him for an answer, he always says that he doesn’t like being tied down.

Please help!

Flora V.
Satellite Beach

Flora - I like being tied down! Only please do not pull my teeths. I know many complicated configurations of knots and tyings that I learned as a boy in the Federazione Scautismo, which is the Italian Boy Scouts. We are very much the same as your American Boy Scouts, but we all meet at jamborinis. We learned many knots like the “shanks of the sheep,” the “double reach around,” and of course the “farfalle” and the “tagliatelle.” These I can teach you with ease. I can tell you that I am committed to playing these games with you, if you are willing. May I tie you down after? Let’s have fun! As John Mellencougar sings: “It hurts so good!” Ouch!

Mr. “Pomodoro,”

I’m quite disgusted and offended by the advice you give out in your monthly column. These people are in desperate need of legitimate help with pressing romantic issues. I have a mind to submit my own advice column to replace your outdated, sexist “insights.” You should be ashamed, making passes at vulnerable women seeking comfort and reassurance. How do you look in the mirror every morning?

“Miss Nefertiti”
Melbourne

I look handsome and desirable every morning, thank you! From the moment I awaken and look up at my reflection on the ceiling, I look toned, smooth, and tanned like George Hamilton. And I am half his age! In the bathroom mirror I look wise, distinguished, and worldly like Larry King. And he is many years older than me! In the mirror on my espresso machine I look rugged and adventurous, much like Ernest Borgnine in his youth. In the mirror in my refrigerator by the “crisper” drawer I look ready for action and my hair is luxuriant and youthful. In the mirror I have on my shoe to look up women’s skirts, you look old, jealous, and bitter. Nice to see you!

Romeo,

I’ve been dating an Italian-American waiter I met on a cruise ship. Since we’ve settled here in Melbourne Beach some of his quirks that seemed so cute and charming a few months ago have gotten really irritating. I’m a small-town southern girl, and at first I was really impressed by his grouchy, in-your-face New Jersey attitude. Now it has worn really thin. I know I shouldn’t be so shallow, but I don’t think I can settle down with a guy who always smells of fried garlic and cheap chianti. What should I do?

Anonymous
Melbourne Beach

You obviously don’t have any real Italian in you. Would you like some? I don’t know about men from this New Jersey and I don’t like the sound of this smell you describe. And I don’t like the smell that this sounds like. Now you have tried processed mozzarella made in Newark. It is bland and flavorless, right? Imported, fresh mozzarella from Napoli is much better. I am fresh mozzarella. Take a bite! You know what they say: once you try fresh mozzarella, you never go back-a-rella! Get rid of Chef Boyardee and meet me! Abbondanza!

Romeo,

A few months ago I started seeing this girl I’ll call Denise. Denise is a good girl at heart, but she’s a little wild. I’m not very proud of our relationship (which is based entirely on rough, impromptu sex), but she has no relatives and with Thanksgiving coming up, I’d really like her to spend it with my close-knit local family. Of course, I’m sure they’ll give both of us a hard time and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. More than that though, I’m sure my mother will go ballistic when she meets her. To be frank, Denise is a common tramp. Any thoughts?

John B.
Cocoa Beach

Frank, don’t be such a turkey! Invite her! This is a time to give thanks for many things: Indians, Pilgrims, family, love, manatees, sex, Abe Lincoln, and Gabe Kaplan, who is better known as the very famous and funny Mr. Kotter! Do you have any cranberries? Yes? Then invite her! This girl maybe might embarrass you at the table by asking for gravy on her pie. So what? Serve her! Maybe she would like a roll? Give her one! Maybe she needs stuffing? Give her a hot yam! Can I come? Pass the breasts and give thanks!


Dear Romeo,
I'm sure you've been asked this many times, but I think readers would like to know your feelings about sex on the beach. Do tell...

George D.
Cocoa Beach

This depends on what beach you are talking about. Sex on Daytona Beach at three in the morning is not very the same as making love on the Playa de la Marbella at the crack of dawn, who also happens to be a very close friend of mine. There are beaches and then there are broad stretchers of sugar and gold sand made by God himself for the purposes of love and romance. Find these beaches and use them! There can also in addition be many problems with sands getting in your gazzaladra, coquinas shells up your pizzicato, and kelps and turtle hatchlings down your paparazzis. But because I am skilled and own many towels, my beach lovers and I never have these problems. Except for when I was with my last girlfriend: Sandy Bottoms! I love it!

Romeo,
I recently learned that my girlfriend is a hermaphrodite. She just told me over the phone, and I could tell that something had been on her mind since we began dating a few weeks ago. I love her, despite knowing this. We still haven't slept together, and I'm worried about how I'll handle it.
L.J.M.

Eau GallieBe very careful how you handle these situations. I don't envy you. Many fish are hermaphroditic creatures, just as earthworms and some slugs are as well. I am sure this girlfriend is a little more desirable that these beings, yes? I hope so. If you can, try to leave a little night light on when you lay down to begin loving. Be delicate and gentle and pay attention to handle the right one at the right time. You must not for example reach for the Aphrodite and mistakenly touch the Herm. This willl confuse everyone and I don't want you writing in about this problem again if something bad happens. Tell them hello for me!

Romeo,
I'm a 24-year-old secretary and, unfortunately, I have the big-time hots for my boss, who is an attractive, married professional in his mid-40s who seems to be turned on by me. I'm a little confused about what I should do. Do you have any views on having sex with the boss?"Vita"
Melbourne Beach

Vita, if you can have sex with the boss, than I appreciate you! Mr. Springstreet is indeed a very attractive older gentleman and a very talented musical man. He is in much demand by many women who love him and does probably not just give his love for free! Go dancing in the dark! You're hired!

Dear Romeo,
My boyfriend has some really annoying pet names for me and I want him to stop using them -- or at least find something better than "Sugar Britches." Please help.
Susan H.
Indialantic

Susan, or may I call you "Electric Hushpuppy"? This is easily solved. Simply take the name of the street where you first lived in your childshoods and then add on the name of your first animal pet. What is yours now? Is this more desirable? I have used this many times, notably with my current woman, "Thunder Muffin." My own name is "Thruster Deep." Yes, I lived on Thruster Avenue. This might seem strange, but at a very young age, I wanted to have an interesting pet name for myself, so I purposefully called my hermit crab "Deep." I'm intelligent!

Dear Romeo,Since I began wearing glasses this past year, I can't seem to stop the advances of men, when for my entire adult life, I couldn't find love to save my life. Can you explain this?

Rosemary G.
Cocoa Beach

Yes! I like women with all kinds of glasses -- champagne, wine, martini ones -- but mostly the ones you wear on your face which give you a mysterious and very sexy look. Remove your glasses. Can you read this now: "ROMEO MUST HAVE YOU INSTANTLY"? Sleep with Romeo. I can give you many contacts and can fill your prescription. Let's get it started in here!

Dear Romeo,
Why is it that men think it turns women on to approach them and compliment certain aspects of their anatomy? I am an older, empowered, professional and highly educated woman who is much more than my body, which happens in great shape due to a strict exercise regimen. Please help dispel this myth that women like the direct approach. If there are any women who like being complimented in this way, they should be terribly ashamed. Ladies, stand up for yourselves!

M. K.
Sebastian Inlet

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I'm hoping yes. Listen dearest, some men can be rude and obnoxious, but this can't surprise you. Sometimes there are women who like to get compliments about their bodies. Is it wrong to tell Pamela Andersons that you like her boobs? Will she be offended? Probably no. Is it wrong to tell Oprah Winfreys that you like her boobs? Probably yes, because no one likes her boobs and she is a problematic woman who controls everything. It's best not to even mention her. But the mind does not make sex, the body does! Let's make loves! If you say no, I will leave you alone. But if I say that I like all the feminist books you read, you might sleep with me sometimes. Turn the page for the happy ending!

Romeo,Just curious as to what your daily grooming habits are. Judging from your photo, you seem to take great care of your appearance. Any grooming tips for men?

Timothy L. Melbourne Beach

First when I wake up I stretch my teeth and brush my legs. Then I shave. Then I check my face to see if it needs to shave. Then I clean my nails by dipping them into a mixture of dish soap and avocados and after this I brush my luxuriant hair with this mixture. Then I gargle with this mixture and spit it out, not because it tastes terrible, but because I remember that I just cleaned my nails and hair with this mixture. Then I proceed to pluck my underarm hairs very gently and paste these trimmings to my chests which can give it manliness. Then I fresh my breath with a honey, lavender and fresh strawberry juice mixture because it smells of the dish soap and avocado mixture. Then I rub this sweet-smelling mixture on my muscle. Exercises follow and then I can say to myself in the mirror: "Buongiorno, Romeo!" Good morning women! I love you!

Romeo,
Recently while cleaning some computer files I discovered that my husband has been visiting a slew of disgusting porn sites on a daily basis. I feel cheated and betrayed. Plus, all of these sites deal with some very strange and disturbing fetishes. Why are men obsessed with porn? Can you explain this phenomenon?

Martha D.Indialantic

This is a terrible calamity of which you speak. Sex is a natural function, but it shouldn't be shown in this ugly way that ignores romance. Porn is just a mechanical thing that has no place in sex. Every man has at least on fetishes, but it sounds like your husband has too many to control. I can't give you much assistance, but you can visit my informational blog on this ugly subject at:
www.hotwaxedwomeninbondagecoveredinfruitandlatexwithmanylotionsandcrazyposition-
sandprovocativeposeswearingstockings.com.
Click! Enter!

Dear Romeo,
With all of your roaming ways and advice you give you never mention birth control. Are you against children? Are you willing to take responsibility for your wayward actions? Surely you must have fathered many offspring during your long career of amorous conquests? What do you have to say about this very important issue?

"Beverly"

MelbourneYou think this, woman: "Romeo is afraid of children and responsibility. He is only wanting sex, love and fun." Well, you are right in some ways, but I am also a proud father to many childrens. Childrens are beautiful and I love them! I am rich also, so this makes fatherhoods very possible. But I am not giving my seeds everywhere willys nillys! I love to give love, but I am also dedicationed to fathers! I make all my childrens happy! I have many in every big city in the globes: Buenos Aires, Rio de Janeiro, Kingston, Casablanca, Cairo, Budapest, New York, Milano, Roma, Venezia, London, Moscow, Athens, Paris, Tokyo and Crescent Beach. I am very charitable and like to make little Romeos all over the worlds like Cocoa Colas! Isn't this the best ways to spread love? Of course! Come to Papa!


Romeo,

You’re a man of the world, so I thought I’d ask you what you thought about the use of aphrodisiacs in trying to get women in the sack. We all know about oysters and Spanish Fly, but is there something in particular that works for you? Let me know!

Barry K.
Satellite Beach

Spanish Fly is a mythical medicine that only works by making Romeo horning when waiting for it to work on females. The oyster is a very sexy seafood creature, but there are many others food out there that can be sexy too. One time, I had a woman to my home for lunches and was going to make peanut butters and jellys sandwiches, which is not very sexy you will think. The breads were on the table and so were the peanut butters and jellys. But when we were about to make these treats, my doorbells rang -- it was the FedPS man with a package of vitamins I was longing for. I asked this girl to spread them for me while I answered my bells and when I got back to the room I had a surprise! This worked! Discover this afrodesiac and say with me: “Eurethra!”

Dear Romeo,
Do you have any massaging tips? I really think this is a great foreplay activity, but I when I get down to it, I seem to hurt my partners more than I help them. More than anything, I want them to relax and feel primed for a night of love. What should I do?

R.G.
Satellite Beach

I have a Therapeutic Massaging degrees from the University of Okeechobee which I’m happy that it came in the mails yesterday signed by the president of the school: a man named Tony Fortuna. So now I am licentious! To do any massage rubs you must first remove the clothings. Then you must remove the clothings of your patience. You must then have music. I use quiet, soft music like 2 Live Crew and then I begin rubbing all over. Then I rub the patience all over with some oils that can costs lots of money, but non-stick Pam from a sprayer can work too. Rub first the parts that hurts. All these muscles that can make pain are all connected to the boobs, I have learned, but many wise men call these boobs “chakras,” which is a more mystical name. Rub these chakras first -- but be gentle! Then turn your patience over on her tummies to work on the better muscles where there are also many chakras on the bum. But wise men call this the “caboose.” Rub firm and hard and long and then meditate and sing a mantra and let the magic come to you. Baby got back! Ommmm!

Romeo,
We all know your position on love and sex, but I’m wondering who you support for the coming elections. There are so many issues that need addressing out there: abortion, prayer in schools, the war in Iraq, health care, and education, to name but a few. Can you give us your position?

Ginger F.
Indian Harbour Beach

Any position is fun, Ginger. But I can say that this country needs a change. What is the political climate? Check my doppler! I can say that it is bad and my doppler is hanging low and sad. Mr. Bush is an unsexy person who looks and talks like a monkey. I like all animals, but I don’t like presidence who are monkeys! I won’t feed them! America has many benefits and is proud for making many celebrities into important people. I support this. But my question is what celebrity can make some change? Bruce Williston? John Transvolta? Tom Cruz? No! They are all scientists! A woman maybe? Yes! Hilary Clinton has no chest and therefore can be no good to the world’s problems. My candidate will be sexy and chesty! I can say: “Salma Hayek for President!” Yes! She can make countries put down their weapons when they see her armaments! I want to be in her cabinet! Vote Salma! ¡Gracias!


Dear Romeo,

I’m a huge fan of yours and find you incredibly sexy. I’ve always wanted to ask you something, though. If you could be any kind of animal, which one would you be?
Susan H.
Cocoa Beach

If I was an animal I would be an octopus rabbit. I would be very soft and cuddlesome and energetic with eight slippery hands. Another animal I could be would be a frog cheetah: fast, strong and a tongue that could shoot out very far and quickly. Or I could also be a turtle kitten: slow, patient and gentle and warm and purring. But this is silly. These are only imaginations. If I could be an animal, I would choose to be a camel. Why? Because I like humps! But more serious, what kind of animals would you be? Be any kind you desire. Only come to my petting zoo! No animals are ever hurt in my stunts! Meeow! Growl! Ribbit Ribbit!

Romeo,
I’m desperate to know more about you. You give such great advice all the time, but all my friends want to know what your turn offs are. We all want to date you! You’re the best!
“Steve”
Melbourne Beach

Turn offs? My switch is always up in the on position! However, the things that makes my switch go down sometimes are several: fishnets that smells of fishes, women who smoke pipes, cereals in ketchup, injured manatees, Phil O’Riley, broccoli in shoes, dentistry and frozen mice. But I think my greatest turn off is wars. Iraq is a lonely desert. Leave it alone! Make an invasion of Tahiti, Mr. Bush! This is a place of beauty and love worth conquering. But this man is a dumb one. Yes, wars are silliness and craziness. I only understand love, sex and fun. But I can say that a war against loneliness and frigidness is the only wars worth fighting. Do you know someone who is lonely and frigid? I am locked and loaded! Let’s roll!

Mr. “Pomodoro,”
Since you began writing this column, you’ve doled out some of the most absurd advice I’ve ever had the displeasure to encounter. As a man who is probably 20 years your senior, I think I might know a little bit more about love than you so pathetically claim. Since you’re so smart, what is the one thing that drives a woman mad in bed?
Colin
Cape Canaveral

Colon, this is a foolish inquiry. Do you need me to tell you what drives a woman mad in bed? I can tell you since you are so foolish. If your girl is named “Cindy,” call her “Samantha” as you rub her thighs or any other parts. This will drive her mad. Another thing that can drive her mad is to whisper your own foolish name in her ears while you touch her in a private vicinity. Put socks on your hands while you do this and you will also succeed. Why drive her mad? Why not ride her crazy down an avenue of happiness lined with tall palm trees? You would rather walk her mad through an alley piled with garbages and junks! You are a foolish man, to be obvious. Are you a person of insanity? Do you have Oldsheimer’s disease? You confuse madness with crazy love and therefore are a fool, Mr. Colon. “Dear Mr. Romeo, you are silly and inexperienced and I am an old man named Colon.” Congratulations!

Romeo!
I’m 20 and consider myself to be pretty hot, but I never get much action. I’m trying to save up for a tattoo on my lower back because I think it might draw some more attention to my body, but my parents -- especially my Dad -- are totally against it. Any advice?
Sandy D.
Indialantic

A tattoos on your lower back? I have never heard of such a thing! This is a very new and sexy idea! Most assuredly this will set you apart from all the other girls out there of your age and will most certainly make you look very unique and ready for action! Maybe you could put a butterflies insect there or a sun with sunbeams on your back? This will attract quality gentlemen. You must make sure that you have enough money to also have this tattooer man put “I AM A PROSTITUTE” on your forehead. This can work better! Ciao!Send your questions and comments to: romeo@thebeachsideresident.com

Romeo,
I like being in the nude -- at least around my house. As soon as I get home from work, the first thing I do is shed my clothes and lounge around in the buff. The problem is that my boyfriend of two months, "Al," has suggested taking a weekend vacation at one of those "naturist" resorts and I feel uncomfortable parading my nakedness among strangers. "Al" keeps pushing me to try public nudism out. I really care about this guy and I'm worried that if I refuse, our relationship will end. Any advice?Christine G.
Indialantic
Mrs., I will go to a doctor and take prescriptions of medicines and will not wash and will talk to myself in the parking near a dumper of a corner store near my house because you are making me crazy. Do you know this? Then why? Why are you make me crazy? I love nudes too! But I can make this comfortable by proposing a visit to my nude home where I am also always without clothings. What is fun? Nude! There are no strangers to my home only nude friends. Be nude to my place! Don't bring Al. I don't like Al in the nude. But I like you! You are foxy! Hello!
Dear Romeo,Do local guys have anything on their minds besides beer and surfing? I don't surf, I don't drink, and honestly can't even stand the beach. Am I destined to be lonely here forever?Anna F.
Cocoa Beach
WOO! WEE! This is the sounds of a sirens. I can say "Freeze!" as in the Harry Dirty movies and I can also say that you are under arrest! Why are you under arrest? Your crime is loneliness but the punishment is good because I am gentle! I can be a judge also and a kind one. I can say that your sentences is two weeks in my home. Here you will eat my fruit and sleep on many cushions. I will correct you and will clean your record with soapy soaps and lotions! You will be very clean and will forget and be lonely no more. There are no lonely women in my town. It is against my law! Look at my badge! You can touch it and see that it is real! So freeze! Spread them! Make my day!
Bro, Why do women always want to talk about their problems all the time? Why can't they just relax? My girlfriend is really hot and I like her and we have great sex, but we might break up soon because I really can't stand her always wanting to talk about stuff all the time. I figured you'd be able to help me out with some of your rad advice. What should I do?Derek R.
Sebastian
Bro. Love is fun. Sex is fun. But sex is funnier because it is love without talking. Love is talk. Sex is many silly sounds that you can hear in a farm. When I feel like talk, I can can call my mother. When I feel sexy I can call many woman to arrange me. But women like talking so be nice! When this women talks, say this: "Gli sciocchi parlano. La gente sexy fa il sesso," which can mean: "Fools talk. Sexy people make sex." A question for her that you can ask: where do baby manatees come from? From talking? No! This is silly. From sex? Yes! Say this too: "Facciamo i manatees del bambino." This can mean: "Let's make baby manatees!" You are welcome! Catch me later!
Romeo,I was wondering if you could suggest any videos out there to help with pick-up techniques. The market is clogged with so many and the few I've bought don't work at all. Maybe you have some that work for you? I'm willing to try anything at this point. Please help. Rich L.
Crescent Beach
I am a sweathog! One day on "Welcome Home Kotter," which is a very funny program, Horseshack who is very funny asks Vinnie Barbarino, who is a scientologist, to help him with woman. Vinnie Barbarino tells him the way to walk and hair techniques and voice styles and eye movements and other movements. Vinnie Barbarino can show you many things that can help you in every program and this works! Watch it to my place! There is many wisdom on "Welcome Kotter." I have popping corns, soda drinks and soft blankets. I am not a scientologist! Bring your girl! I like to watch! Later crocodiles!


Dear Romeo,I'm a 27-year-old girl who has become completely fed up with the dating scene. Every guy I meet is an insensitive pig. Where are all the good men all my friends have married? It's all SEX, SEX, SEX with these guys.Greta B.
(via email)Sex? Yes please. 27 is not very old and no problem. I'm very sensitive also, in addition. If you meet me, you will see that I am not a pig and gentle! Secondly, tell me your number! Why not? I can help and I have wine. Be nice! I give rubs with music. There is no please because it is your desire. Finally I can prove you the lover I am. Relax with candles. Wine too. I have an accent and many chocolates! Enjoy! See you soon.Romeo, I feel weird writing in about this, but my girlfriend just doesn't seem to be into romance these days. I've tried everything, and nothing lights up that old spark. What should I do? Please help. We're supposed to be getting married next month and I'm a little worried about how things will turn out for us.Chris L.
Melbourne BeachFirstly, what is this women's number? I'm joyous if you tell me. Fourthly, romance is an easy class to get the good grades when I teach it. The homework is much, but fun! There are many tests, but I will graduate her. What does she need? My diploma! I can say that you must find another women and give me the number of this women. Thank you!Dear Romeo, My husband and I have been married for many years, but over the last few months he's grown more and more distant. When he speaks, which is rarely, his words are filled with hatred and disdain. I'm at the end of my tether. What should I do?Fed Up in Cape Canaveral.This mens heart is a desert I think. Nothing grows there only sand. It is a desert very giant and barren. My heart is a green island and everything grows here like healthy fruits feeding on suns, warmness, love, and many rains. There is no price for my fruit. I give it to many with happiness. The fruit I can grew wins many prizes for being giant. Have you seen a bigger fruit than mine? No. There is no price and no complaint from my island of fruit. Can you eat sand? You would be silly. Eat my fruit! No problem! Dear Romeo Pomodoro,I wish my boyfriend would hurry up and propose to me. We've been dating for close to 10 years and I have yet to see a ring, or even hear the mention of one. What is he waiting for? "Meredith"
Satellite BeachYour land is great for many things: Liberty Statue, Big Apples, many weapons, the Decoration of Dependents, "Welcome Back Kotter" which is very funny, Milwaukee's old beer, Elvis Presely, and many other blacks. But here your roads are a fast line and a slow line. In my home there is only a fast line. You like slow? Ride a bicycle like my old grandmother. I have a car that can make the fast speeds. And it is conversible! When stars shine I can take this top down. And then you will let me take yours down. Thanks!



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